In this age of nuclear families, the question of selecting an appropriate partner and sustaining a marriage has assumed increased significance. The choice of a marriage partner forms the crux of the problem, as it involves a choice that will alter our future lives, our future family and indeed, the future pattern of society.
The permanency of the institution of marriage was not even in question, until just a few decades ago. The phenomenon of living in closed societies, characterized by low mobility ensured that marriages took place within the ambit of the community itself, or neighboring communities. One unique feature of marriages of this nature was that stakeholders in a successful and enduring marriage were not limited to just one family, but were spread over the community, as communities generally lived together. Early marriages were much the norm. Therefore, compatibility was not a great problem, as it automatically developed in young age. The supporting family and community structures were also of immense help in sustaining the newly formed relation of wedlock. Focus was more on filial duties and functionality, rather than the desires of carnal gratification.
The Changed Milieu
We have now entered a phase where the age at which we marry is gradually increasing with each generation. The modern paradigm of living, preferences of profession, and increased importance accorded to the satisfaction of individual desires have played their part in bringing this change. In the changed milieu, the focus is more on aspects of compatibility and the likelihood of happiness and success in one's marriage. The issue of choosing one's life partner has therefore assumed more importance. What was once an automatic and relatively simple process has now become more difficult and complex.
However, there is still a general consensus that marriage is very important for the human society. Actually now people are becoming more educated and thoughtful and are making more proactive choices, at both the individual and family levels regarding marriage. We must look into ways and means of ensuring the success of marriage in terms of longevity, happiness and functionality. Since the issue of compatibility has come to occupy a near-decisive role in the choice of one's life partner, it is only prudent that we examine systems that are supposedly capable of ascertaining the compatibility of a life partner.
How does one select an appropriate marriage partner? There are various methods that people use because people wish to be certain that their life partner will be compatible and the marriage will have increased chances of resulting in happiness and longevity. Let us therefore examine what would be the best approach to select a life partner, one that would work effectively in today's times and changed needs.
The Process of Selection in Earlier Times
As we have briefly mentioned, in an earlier age, the factors of religion, caste, socio-economic background and the family itself occupied the topmost rungs of priority. Individual achievements were often not manifest at the time of marriage. Next came the role of astrology, by way of horoscope matching. This was employed and continues to be in vogue even today to ascertain the longevity of the married life of the couple, their ability to bear children and their bhaagya (luck). Marriages, thus, were simple affairs. If the two families agreed and if the children appeared reasonably compatible in physical attributes of height, shape and other gross features, the marriage was fixed. This is broadly the concept of an 'arranged' marriage - marriage with thought, analysis and plan. Here, the respective family backgrounds were analyzed, while the individuals too went through the process of family screening, thus helping achieve a balance between the needs of the individual and the system.
Today's Approaches and Pitfalls
We have now moved into an age where society has undergone a drastic change. The issues of education and career have assumed a centre-stage in life. Economic achievements have grown in importance and the age of marriage is getting more delayed. Naturally, we are forced to introduce more advanced and refined methods of testing the question of marriage compatibility.
Today boys and girls themselves, are assuming a more prominent role in testing compatibility. We see a reverse process of the concerned individuals going back to their parents, either to seek advice, or simply to ask for their blessings, their individual choices already having being made. The question that naturally springs to mind is: how do individuals, without the depth of knowledge and wisdom that only age and experience bring, go about testing the compatibility of each other, especially in such a crucial decision?
Undoubtedly, the phenomena of physical attraction and emotional compatibility do hold some importance. But the question still remains as to how young individuals can delve deeper to determine certain basic virtues, which test one's integrity, caringness and principles, and importantly, the potential reactions of each other in times of stress?
The human mind is composed of both the conscious and the sub-conscious sub-parts. Of these, the sub-conscious part is initially an unknown entity and is manifest only gradually over a period of time, much after the age of marriage has passed. Therefore, even though individuals may make the best efforts to know each other, many aspects of human behaviour and their responses remain untested. It is thus, not uncommon to find that people who reckoned themselves to be compatible, based on a process of dating and courtship, often end up realising that their analysis was incorrect. The act of meeting each other, getting to know each other and discussing a few mundane issues in no way guarantees that one's compatibility has been tested.
Let us for a moment proceed with this assumption that this process of dating and courtship ensures the likelihood of compatibility and happiness in the first few years of life, which could cement the mutual relationship. But now we should examine the side effects of such an approach. In case the early dating and courtship does not culminate in marriage, it will undoubtedly leave certain imprints upon the mind that one has to deal with throughout life. When one carries the imprints of such previous relationships and marries someone else, such imprints are seldom erased and a tendency to compare and contrast comes up. Many times, these stored memories create problems of unforeseen nature in the future.
Another issue is that of natural incompatibility that arises over a period of time. Defeat, failure depression and anxiety are a part of everyone's life, tending to make us less compatible even with our own selves, what to speak of others. If a marriage was based solely on the foundation of perfection and compatibility, married partners would remain unprepared to deal with these unescapable issues. In such an eventuality, we are left wanting mentally, emotionally and intellectually to deal with incompatibility and still support each other for those parts of our lives that make us incompatible.
These are the problems associated with the method of exposure, testing or going through this process of trying out to "find out what works." In other words, what works, doesn't work as well, and moreover has significant side effects which are not to be taken lightly or trifled with. Thus, while we are trying to meet the individual needs of more mature people, in order to dispel their individual apprehensions, we certainly need to be aware of these side-effects and moderate our approach to this issue. We should not unnecessarily prolong the age of marriage, nor the duration, nature and complexity of dating and courtship, in order for a meeting of minds to materialise. We have to be very serious about the potential side effects to both the individuals and others. The multiplication of these side effects in society makes society as a whole an unhealthy entity. We also lose social support. We are thereby deprived of the valuable support of family and society, whether through standards, shame or peer pressure, especially at times when we are under stress. At such times, we find ourselves unable to resolve differences that arise in every marriage.
Combining the Old and New
Therefore, we should mix and combine various approaches. The old approach screened compatibility through the laser filters of longevity, scrutinising family and religious backgrounds and other similarities that would reduce stress. This approach is of immense help in addressing likely differences. Only then should we look at the issue of dating and courtship, and limit its role, keeping certain objectives in mind. It certainly should not be treated as a fun pastime, but must be approached with the mindset of serious business. If we adopt this approach, we can meet our objectives with minimal side effects, minimum injury to ourselves and others involved with us, and also preserve the health of society, as far as family and marriage are concerned.
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