Maintaining a Joint Family- Its Necessity Today

The age of the joint family has more or less gone, and in its place has come the nuclear family. There used to be one large family, with parents and their children living together and then subsequent generations marrying and raising their next generation under the same roof to create one huge joint family. However, this has been rendered thoroughly unfeasible and impractical in the modern milieu. The breakdown of the traditional social system wherein one's profession generally was chosen based on factors of caste or class is a prime contributing factor. Modern economic life has spawned innumerable careers and specializations and the pursuit of individual careers often leads to sons leaving their parental home. Moreover, the phenomenon of brothers living together after their marriages, forming an extended joint family is also becoming rare. We are thus witness to the proliferation of divided families and in the process, a dissipation of the unified strength, energy and creativity of both individuals and society.

The problem does not simply remain confined to the breakdown of joint families. In this process, families and societies also witness the unfortunate spectacle of egoistic tendencies rising to the fore to dominate mutual relationships. While respect for elders and unquestioned obedience of their word was the norm in earlier times, disrespect of the older generation has assumed the status of fashion today, often worn as a badge of one's distinct identity. This is the result of individual egos that have been pampered beyond measure and have not been tempered by familial discipline and upbringing. The resultant social chaos is but one manifestation of this.

What can be done to arrest this trend, which is leading to social and national in-cohesiveness and alienation? We must recognise that the automatic resurrection of the earlier joint family is not a feasible project, at least in the immediate term. However, Indian tradition offers the way out of this social chaos. The Ramayana states: Guru Pita Matu Bandhu Pati Deva, Sab Mohi Kahen Jaanain Dridh Seva. In other words, we must treat our teacher (guru), father, mother, elder brother and husband(s) as the Divine Himself and be ever ready to serve them with faith and devotion.

Why should we do so, one may ask. It is therefore necessary to manifest the practical aspects of the message contained in the Chaupai. This will bring out the virtues of an integrated family and its inherent advantages compared to a separate and disparate family. The advice to consider one's elders as 'Deva' ordinarily meaning divine of God, is actually a way to inculcate a respectful outlook towards fellow human beings. After all, every individual desires to be respected and looked up to. This is possible only if this outlook is developed at an early age, when the sublime ego can be trained. Respect for elders, especially, parent, teacher and husband forms the touchstone of this particular aspect.

'Seva' meaning serving others, is another aspect that needs to be understood in a wider context. Contrary to the notions generated, 'seva' is actually the training ground in the family for building a positive attitude and outlook. 'Seva' apart from its mundane inference of serving others, is actually an investment by every individual in the family for every other. It is an investment of time, effort and financial resources to inculcate discipline, build relationships, develop positive virtues and nurture a long-term goodwill between parents and children, teachers and students, and between siblings, so that its benefits can be enjoyed over generations. These are possible only in a family that is blessed with integrity and closely-knit bonds. They are not obstacles to individual success but actually enhance the individual's worth and make him a more balanced person. The essence of this mantra is taming one's ego for the sake of the greater benefit and living for each other in family. It is also the ideal way to avoid so many problems today.

Therefore, a joint family is a much better breeding ground for us. The benefits are immense, and it gives us an opportunity to give back to our family what we have taken from it: a satisfaction that one must have before leaving this earth.

My father is better than me...

India's Holy Scripture and Epic, the Ramcharitmanas contains a very thought provoking verse :

"Maat Pita Guru Prabhu Ki Baani,

Binahi Vichaar Kiye Subh Jaani"

मातु पिता गुरु प्रभु की बानी।

बिनहिं विचार किये सुभ जानी॥

In other words, one should act according to the advice of one's parents, guru and God without a second thought. Therein lies one's welfare.

Our scriptures present to us the words of God and there is no doubt that we can attain success in life by following them। However, it is not practical to try and look for solutions to our day-to-day problems in the scriptures। Neither is it possible for the average individual to establish a direct dialogue with God। That is a quest that may take an entire lifetime, perhaps many। If we wish to turn to Guru, then also such a personality is not easy to find, especially in today's age. Even if one does succeed in finding a Sadguru, it is impractical to expect him to be available to solve our problems all the time. Hence, as suggested by Goswami Tulsidas, of all the people whose advice, when accepted, can help one solve all problems of life and attain joy and welfare, our parents are most easily available and accessible to us.

Therefore, whenever one is unable to decide what course of action to follow in a challenging situation, instead of seeking the advice of an outsider, one could ask one's parents for their suggestions।The reason is simple। Our parents have raised us and have taken care of our needs to the best of their capabilities. We must have faith that there can be no one else in this world who can be our better well-wisher than our parents. Even after making an important decision in life, there is no harm in seeking the opinion of one's parents before implementing it. The young often think that since their parents are from an older generation, they are unable to understand the challenges that the current generation has to face. What the youth fail to recollect is that it is these parents who have taken care of all their needs and made all decisions for them from childhood to youth. No one would know more about their nature, interests and ambitions than their own parents.

It is possible that youngsters, under the influence of passion and excitement or upon misguiding by friend(s), make a wrong decision। But Parents will never make any wrong decision or offer any wrong advice to their children to harm them। May be your parents might not have any knowledge or experience regarding your business or profession, but if any problem related to you arises in your business or profession, then you can obtain better advice from your parents than any consultant can offer you। This is because the advice parents offer you would be based on the higher values of life and the experience of their lives. Relying on parent's judgement could prove valuable. Younger people occasionally tend to ignore the higher values of life, especially when it comes to the question of personal gains. On the other hand, parents offer a more rational and balanced judgement.

It is common complaint nowadays that children do not listen to parents। The important question is: Do you yourself listen to your father? Do you seek your father's opinion in family and other matters of life? Psychologists also support the fact that children follow actions rather than words of thier parents, elders and teachers. The adage that actions speak louder than words is very true. The following story aptly underscores this truth:

An old man in a family suffered from ill health. He was very weak and would spill his water or drop the plate. His daughter-in-law did not like all this mess and disturbance. So he brought an old wooden bowl for him to serve the food in. One day the old man's grandson was playing with some wooden toys. When his mother asked him, what he was making, he innocently replied "I am making a wooden plate for you and papa to eat in when you become old!"

So, if you expect respect and love from your children, teach them through your actions rather than your words। Let them see and realise that you highly respect your parents। The father can form the vital link between the grandfather and grandson। It is the father who fosters the feeling of respect for or indifference towards the grandparents. That is why if the father wishes to gain respect from his children, then he must not only have to respect his father, but also make his children understand "My father is better than me!"

There is a very easy and practical way to achieve this। If your child wants to know something orwants to understand what he should do in particular situation, rather than providing an answer yourself, encourage the child to go and ask his grandfather, telling him that grandpa can provide the best answer. Later, the father should ask the child what his grandfather told him. If the child feels he did not get a satisfactory answer, then the father should explain the grandfather's view to his son and make him realise how it is the best answer.

In other words, the home in which the motto "My father is better than me" is accorded primacy never faces discord and differences। Such a family then remains free from the present day problems like generation gap, communication gap, disintegration of families and tension in relationships, and can still enjoy the comforts of modern living.