What Is The Secret To A Successful Family?

Once, an old man visited his old friend after a long span of time. He was greeted at the door by his friend's son, who led him inside to the living room. When the family members came to know that an old friend of the head of the family had come to visit, all of them came to greet him and touched his feet. He was served refreshments with great love and care. Seeing all this, tears welled up in his eyes. When his friend asked the reason for these tears, he told him that both his sons with their families lived far away from him. He was overwhelmed by the love and affection seen in the family of his friend and then asked him what the secret of his family's togetherness was.

Every person would like to have such a family. But how can this be achieved? First we have to understand the meaning of family. Our sages and scriptures conceptualized this institution of a family. Man is a social being and humanity thrives based on the feelings of togetherness, of serving each other, of loving one another and of taking care of each other's needs. If mutual understanding and a feeling of duty exist amongst its members, one can be rest assured that not only will the family be successful, but the virtues will help build a stronger society and nation which are after all made up of families. In other words, a family is the classroom where the members learn lessons of how to become responsible citizens of the society.

In the Indian culture, when two people marry, they take vows to serve each other, support each other and fulfill their responsibilities. A couple's responsibility is not just to produce children. Rather, it is to ensure that three generations stay together. Our rishis had a mind-blowing foresight as the benefits of three generations under one roof are immense! The grandparents, with their years of experience and wisdom, ensure that values and principles are passed on to their children and grandchildren. The children assume the responsibility of taking care of the weak and old parents. The grandchildren in turn, are expected to be respectful to their elders and learn from their wisdom and experience. Thus, while the younger generations take care of the older generations, the old act as guides and encourage the young to lead a life of duties. Any family in which all members perform their duties will succeed in all spheres domestic, academic and economic.

Even as we do our duties, it is important that we never lose our affection for one another in the family, which is why family picnics, family functions, and celebration of festivals with the entire family are very important.

While this was how families lived traditionally, today the institution of the family faces many challenges. This is primarily because of the onslaught of Western thought and Western way of living. In the West, individual freedom is the way of life. Even though this has resulted in great individual achievements, it is at a very high cost.

In pursuit of personal happiness and freedom, family responsibilities have been neglected. The old aged have been thrown in nursing homes and the young left to babysitters and day care centers. When children will be devoid of proper guidance and the old of due care, then of course families will break apart.

Sadly, the same trend is rapidly picking up in India. Although individual freedom and achievements do bring us temporary and dazzling awards, we tend to forget the biggest truth: our children observe everything we do. Today we are neglecting OUR parents. Won't they also neglect us when we grow old? We do not listen to our parents. Won't our children do the same in the future when we try to advise them? If our parents feel lonely because we have left them alone, won't we face the same predicament tomorrow?

We very well know that since our parents have raised us from early childhood and taken care of our needs, there is no one who is a better well-wisher for us then them. Wouldn't we be better off living with them, taking their advice and learning from their experiences?

We keep complaining that society is progressively deteriorating. It is not the society; it is those families that make up society which are deteriorating. Once the family system breaks apart then there will be a 'domino effect' on the society and nation. So next time, don't complain about our society or nation. Strengthen your family by fulfilling your responsibilities and the nation will follow. The most effective and practical way to achieve this is to bring and keep three generations under one roof and let each play its respective role properly.

Maintaining a Joint Family- Its Necessity Today

The age of the joint family has more or less gone, and in its place has come the nuclear family. There used to be one large family, with parents and their children living together and then subsequent generations marrying and raising their next generation under the same roof to create one huge joint family. However, this has been rendered thoroughly unfeasible and impractical in the modern milieu. The breakdown of the traditional social system wherein one's profession generally was chosen based on factors of caste or class is a prime contributing factor. Modern economic life has spawned innumerable careers and specializations and the pursuit of individual careers often leads to sons leaving their parental home. Moreover, the phenomenon of brothers living together after their marriages, forming an extended joint family is also becoming rare. We are thus witness to the proliferation of divided families and in the process, a dissipation of the unified strength, energy and creativity of both individuals and society.

The problem does not simply remain confined to the breakdown of joint families. In this process, families and societies also witness the unfortunate spectacle of egoistic tendencies rising to the fore to dominate mutual relationships. While respect for elders and unquestioned obedience of their word was the norm in earlier times, disrespect of the older generation has assumed the status of fashion today, often worn as a badge of one's distinct identity. This is the result of individual egos that have been pampered beyond measure and have not been tempered by familial discipline and upbringing. The resultant social chaos is but one manifestation of this.

What can be done to arrest this trend, which is leading to social and national in-cohesiveness and alienation? We must recognise that the automatic resurrection of the earlier joint family is not a feasible project, at least in the immediate term. However, Indian tradition offers the way out of this social chaos. The Ramayana states: Guru Pita Matu Bandhu Pati Deva, Sab Mohi Kahen Jaanain Dridh Seva. In other words, we must treat our teacher (guru), father, mother, elder brother and husband(s) as the Divine Himself and be ever ready to serve them with faith and devotion.

Why should we do so, one may ask. It is therefore necessary to manifest the practical aspects of the message contained in the Chaupai. This will bring out the virtues of an integrated family and its inherent advantages compared to a separate and disparate family. The advice to consider one's elders as 'Deva' ordinarily meaning divine of God, is actually a way to inculcate a respectful outlook towards fellow human beings. After all, every individual desires to be respected and looked up to. This is possible only if this outlook is developed at an early age, when the sublime ego can be trained. Respect for elders, especially, parent, teacher and husband forms the touchstone of this particular aspect.

'Seva' meaning serving others, is another aspect that needs to be understood in a wider context. Contrary to the notions generated, 'seva' is actually the training ground in the family for building a positive attitude and outlook. 'Seva' apart from its mundane inference of serving others, is actually an investment by every individual in the family for every other. It is an investment of time, effort and financial resources to inculcate discipline, build relationships, develop positive virtues and nurture a long-term goodwill between parents and children, teachers and students, and between siblings, so that its benefits can be enjoyed over generations. These are possible only in a family that is blessed with integrity and closely-knit bonds. They are not obstacles to individual success but actually enhance the individual's worth and make him a more balanced person. The essence of this mantra is taming one's ego for the sake of the greater benefit and living for each other in family. It is also the ideal way to avoid so many problems today.

Therefore, a joint family is a much better breeding ground for us. The benefits are immense, and it gives us an opportunity to give back to our family what we have taken from it: a satisfaction that one must have before leaving this earth.

Why Should I Invest My Time In The Family Instead Of Doing What I Like?

As long as we 'feel' we are sacrificing our likes or our passion for our family needs, we will stay unhappy. So I say, merge the two! Why not develop passion in doing our duties towards the family? This combines the needs of the family and that of the individual leading to better outcomes for both.

It is indeed wonderful to express one's natural passion। This is what modern life is all about. One finds passion for studies, sports, music, career and various activities. Individuals express this passion and achieve great heights and that is how the world is progressing. But we also need to pause and look at one fact. Very often, this passion consumes all of our time as we pursue individual success and happiness. This passionate pursuit of personal success often breaks apart the family. Family structures and traditions, that have sustained themselves for ages, are now becoming victims of this individual pursuit of success. We must not lose sight of the fact that there are people in our society who are not as competent or capable as others. Moreover, even the able people, at some stage of their lives will pass through periods of inability, or disability. At such times, one is not capable of expressing one's passion and needs to be taken care of. The able therefore, have a duty towards the unable, or disabled.

Such feeling of duty can be developed only by binding individuals in some kind of family or social system। Otherwise, we will end up dividing society into the able and the disable. We will also lose the insurance for disability for self in times of distress, which will visit almost every one of us. Let us not forget that a significant part of our lives will be affected by incompetence and disability, whether it may be due to old age, sickness or injury, loneliness, marital discord, or other disturbances.

The family and social system were designed to integrate the able and not so able in a loving and affectionate environment। The redirection of passion towards family and duty, thus, is buying ourselves social insurance for difficult times. The basic conflict of passion for activity and passion for duty can be resolved more easily when viewed through this lens. It is natural that the passion for one's individual excellence is a more powerful driver. But if passion for duty can evolve, then one's individual activity becomes secondary. The younger generation views this as a demand of sacrifice of their legitimate pursuit of excellence in their careers, and is not easily willing to subscribe to the idea that dividing their passion between their individual choice of activity and their filial duty towards their parents and families is easily achievable or even worth the attempt. There is an apprehension that this way, they might end up losing on both fronts.

We have to clearly answer and set at rest these apprehensions। After all, in today's highly competitive world, no one wants to lose out. But the young must realize that investing time in directing their passion towards duty is just like investing money in an insurance that will safeguard them when they need it most, i.e. during the later stages in life. We are aware that we will be unable to make money in old age and therefore set aside a portion of our earnings in stocks, savings and insurance. But, we need both money as well as emotional relationships at that stage. Emotions, unlike monetary insurance policies, are not available for sale. This has to be developed as an asset as a family member and a socially responsible individual. If all our time is consumed by our passionate pursuits or ambition, there will be no time for investing in the social relationships needed later.

Today's youth is intelligent enough to invest in the future. It is just that they need to be made aware of the importance of investing in social relationships, apart from material investments. A reorientation of one's passion towards family duty and respect for the elder generation has to be developed from a very early age. Failure to do so will certainly invite loneliness at one's old age, which further brings sickness and stress. Although it appears to be an investment on the utility front, at a deeper level, this emotional investment is actually the continuity of social systems, of purity of relationships, of life and creation. Of course, the question of duty towards our parents in their old age is paramount, but even from a purely personal perspective, the investing of one's emotions in duty towards them is a wise policy. We are investing in the preservation of the systems and traditions that have contributed to bring us to this level. A family and its traditions are like an emotional banking system that needs to be maintained in a healthy shape, so that future generations may continue to draw their sustenance from them. The highly evolved Vedic civilisation of India has developed these concepts and traditions to the most ennobling level.